Write a personal essay on what you perceive to be the pleasures particular to you.
#625Lab. Corrected by an experienced examiner, graded as 83/100 with feedback on how to improve below. You may also like: Leaving Cert English Complete Guide (€). Essay credit: Fionnuala O’Connell
8 billion. That is how many living people are on this earth right now. To many, this number is beyond comprehension, beyond what we can visualise and understand. Its enormity is overwhelming and suffocating, 8 billion is a number that not many people will ever be able to meaningfully identify with and truly grasp. Personally, I don’t think I ever will – Eight billion people each living their own lives and struggles and victories is a daunting concept to get your head around. Consequently, it is simply a fact of life that is very rare to find someone on this earth who can be considered entirely “unique”. No matter what we like to think, there will always be someone who shares your greatest pleasure, your favourite book and your favourite song, and there will always be people who regard your interests and hopes and dreams to be “boring” and “common”. No matter how hard you fight to be seen as special and individual, there is always someone else, somewhere, who will have the same shirt as you, and who gets the same McDonalds order as you, and who shops in the same stores as you. In such a large diverse world, is it even possible for me to have any pleasures that are particular and unique to me? Is there even such a thing as a truly unique person? (Personal anecdote could follow now. A second paragraph critiquing the idea of ‘unique-ness’, makes the personal essay move into the realm of a discursive essay/article/speech)
To be fair, it’s clear that right now the world we live (in) doesn’t quite foster the right atmosphere for originality and uniqueness. Right now, I could walk into any shop on the main street and walk out with an outfit (or two, or five, or ten), and be absolutely positive that there’s another girl not too far from here wearing the exact same thing. We live in a mass produced world, a plastic paradise, characterised by trends and fast fashion, where everyone shares everything. We define ourselves by the media we consume and the way we present ourselves but in this world how can we differentiate ourselves from each other when we all revolve around and choose from the same handful of hobbies and interests? How can we ever be sure of our own personalities when we share so much in common to those around us? When the pleasures we perceive particular to ourselves are mass produced into thousands of stores across hundreds of countries in thousands of cities, can we ever truly be individuals? (A lot of rhetorical questions)
Personally, what I perceive to be my greatest passion and my greatest pleasure in life is music; I love to listen to music, to play music, to write music. (Insert anecdote) It’s my escape from the bland mundanity of regular life, and it is possibly the single most important thing to me in my life. Music is an outlet, it allows me to express myself, to be creative, to brighten up boring days and bus rides, and ironically, it allows me to connect with others who have similar tastes. It allows me to make new friends and to grow closer with old ones, it’s an excuse for social gatherings and events and it is always a talking point. It brings back memories, good and bad, and gives me a chance to make new ones, ensuring that I am never bored. To be this passionate about something seems bizarre when I consider the hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of people in the world who feel this same way, who listen to the same albums and songs as me every day, who play the same instruments and same songs as me, and who feel just as strongly. Can music really be my passion and my defining hobby when it’s so commonplace? (Again, moving into discursive as it lacks the anecdote. The anecdote provides opportunity for reflection, a key component of the Personal essay)
Well in my personal opinion, to be blunt, I find the whole concept of a pleasure exclusive and particular to me to be absurd. I truly believe the concept of somebody being partially or entirely unique in the traditional sense is impossible. Clearly, I know I’m not, there is absolutely nothing particular to me when I consider the enormity of the world and how common my hobbies are, and I know that I am about as special as everyone else on this earth – not at all. There is no magic ingredient to being special or having a superior set of interests and hobbies, and that anything but a bad thing. After all, If I am still to search for something really and truly unique to me (and music clearly isn’t it), what else is there that I enjoy? What is the one true, unique pleasure particular to me? Well, I enjoy playing video games, and I enjoy going out to shows. I enjoy finally getting a good grade on something I studied really hard for, and I enjoy finally getting a maths problem right after hours of googling what to do. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, I enjoy big, grand, loud parties, and I enjoy sleepovers where we whisper precious secrets under the protection of laughter and crinkling food wrappers. I enjoy watching movies together and crowding around a too-bright screen, and I also enjoy sitting together with my best friend, studying, perfectly silent but secure in the knowledge that we are both united and working with each other’s support. I enjoy sunny days at the beach when I feel like the sun is going to burn both of my legs off, and I enjoy giggling the night away with my friends in a field as the pit-pattering of rain on my tent whispers a gentle reminder that all is at peace and that everything is okay. These are the simple pleasures of my life and they bring me endless joy, not because of what they are but how they make me feel.(This is a lovely paragraph for the Personal essay, the language flows, there is an ease with the material and it hasn’t slipped into the ranting or tedium of teenagers. Good use of descriptive imagery and reflection.) Clearly, none of these are especially unique or particular to me, these are universal human experiences after all. However I am strongly of the opinion that the pleasures that you partake in can never be truly particular to you and that’s fine because that’s not what matters; what matters is how it makes you feel, how it makes you grow and react and develop. What matters are the emotions they invoke and the memories they lead you to form, because while nothing is ever materially unique to you, the experiences you reap and the memories you form are. (Yes, writer has really hit the crux of the Personal essay here)
8 billion is a frighteningly large number, incomprehensible to many and to some may signify the death of our simple pleasures and hobbies being truly “unique”. To me however, it signifies something far more positive – a chance (or 8 billion) to make those acts mean something. (Sense of ‘full-circle’ is established by using the opening lines again, but final paragraph is too brief, elaboration and reflection on the arguments presented could be included.)
Paragraph 2 could be used later on in Essay. There is a sense that much of this material could be more suited to a speech – the use of rhetorical questioning and discursive language points to this.
It’s very important to outline a stance at the outset. Reading the first two paragraphs and their argumentative/critical tone, jars slightly, as paragraphs 3 and 4 are much more in keeping with the tone of a personal essay.
That said, there is a clear capable command of the English language here, with good vocabulary and technical accuracy. Paragraph 4 is what raises this essay to a higher grade and with a this type of approach across the duration of the essay, a higher grade is achievable.
P: 25/30
C: 23/30
L: 25/30
M: 10/10
Total: 83/100
Image: Image: Luke Chesser via Unsplash
