Write an article for a popular magazine in which you outline your views about the impact of technology on the lives of young people.
#625Lab. Corrected by an experienced examiner, marked 69/100 with detailed in text feedback and PCLM review at the bottom. You may also like: Complete Guide to Leaving Cert English (€)
Credit: Aoife Flaherty
TECHNOLOGY AND GEN Z September 8, 2019
“Social media has become the guiding force for all we do despite the fact that it is a relatively recent invention of society” – Talking to My Daughter about the Economy: A Brief History of Capitalism [Yanis Varoufakis]
Aoife Flaherty
Current affairs correspondent (popular magazine and ‘Current Affairs’ Correspondent? In a magazine, its usually a by-line. Current Affairs correspondent usually used in newspaper or online news)
(Magazine might have an intro (larger font) and the name of the writer in Capitals or Bold)
With the release of the new Iphone 11 steadfastly (swiftly?) approaching, it is forecasted to sell out within seconds. 2019 – a year where everything is bigger, faster and supposedly better. Technology is one of man’s many revolutionary creations but could it be the culprit (perpetrator / agent) of the destruction of our planet as we know it? (Possibly develop the iphone image -it is after all a significant symbol for GEN Z – then also use it in your concluding remarks/ tie in with your quote and the 81 years point)
Technology has connected the world. The rapid modernisation of our society is inevitable but whether this is a good thing or not is debatable.(the sentences need a link. They are two distinct issues. Perhaps lead with sentence 2, as the first links better with the third. Omit sentence 2, if this paragraph is going to be about technology and social media) With the mention of technology, social media is usually what is brought to mind (why? Its not necessarily so, remember audience: perhaps for a teen this is the case, but this publication may not be solely focused on that demographic) but the scope is limitless. A national survey reported that on average, teenagers spend approximately 8.08 hours a day using various forms of media, not including time spent doing school work or talking or texting on a mobile phone. This includes television, commercial or self-recorded video, movies, video games, print, radio, recorded music, computers and the Internet. With the mental health epidemic plaguing Ireland’s youth, social media has a lot to answer for. Our nation’s children are retracting (retreating, slipping) into a downward spiral of self-hatred, self-depreciation (do you mean non-appreciation? Negativity or devaluing?) and selflessness (do you mean selfishness? Or are you going to counterbalance with selflessness of young people regarding climate change etc?) For a country with such limited resources, the statistics of mental illness are ever increasing. Unless you are well-established within yourself (clumsy phrasing – content in yourself or strong sense of self / self-actualisation, perhaps?), I think it’s safe to say that there has been at least one instance where we have compared ourselves to models, athletes and celebrities.(Very vague and also a sweeping generalisation unless it’s rooted in a concrete specific example) When impressionable young adults are constantly watching multimillionaires getting paid unimaginable amounts to pose with a box of laxatives or green tea, it really makes you question, how did we became so self-obsessed yet so insecure at the same time?
Phones are constantly buzzing, televisions blaring and cameras clicking. Mobile phones are used as a crutch for many people, a lifeline of some sort to avoid confronting the real world. Since Spotify has music, no one bothers to buy CDs anymore. Since google has all the answers, no one reaches for books or dictionaries anymore. (Very short paragraph – difficult to see how it is relevant to the title unless you specifically outline the IMPACT)
The whole world is literally at our finger-tips and such a lifestyle (What do you mean by ‘lifestyle’, do you mean ‘immediacy’?) comes with (possible / negative) consequences; low self-esteem, lack of sociability and anxiety, to name a few and more often than not, the result of these consequences are fatal. (Again, a sweeping statement – needs to be nuanced and understanding rather than quite so blunt and definitive in tone) With that said, social media does have its perks.(Would consider making this a new paragraph – positives) For example, budding entrepreneurs see it as a blessing rather than a curse because it allows them to promote their product and build their business. (give an example – it is a magazine article) It enables us to reach out to people if (of)all ages across the globe. (why do we need to do this – state the obvious sometimes!) We can fundraise to support cancer research, we can campaign for human rights, we can even go as far as broadcasting the news that is censored (Punc) like the Uyghur Muslim concentration camps where innocent civilians are being held against their will and brainwashed into disowning their faith. Without social media, Greta Thunberg’s message wouldn’t be nearly as powerful or widespread because her message is specific but not limited to younger generations. (The last few lines are much stronger – well done, you’re using specific examples and people the readership know of.)
Which leads into the contrary side of technology. (Did you not cover ‘contrary’ in your earlier paragraphs?) Cars and the mechanisation of humans. In a society of rampant materialism, cars have become an investment or a show piece for some rather than an essential. The surge of obesity correlates with increased car usage and some cars are even said to be redesigned to accommodate the obesity epidemic. Shocking, right? Not to mention the adverse effects cars have on the biosphere. Cars, trucks and other vehicles account for one fifth of all emissions in the US, emitting around 24 pounds of carbon dioxide and other global-warming gases for every gallon of gas according to a recent study conducted in Harvard University’s Global Health Institute. Whereas, if we look at the Netherlands, they have significantly less greenhouse gas output because their primary mode of transport is cycling. Cycling is better for the planet and too, our health. (In) Summer 2019 I took a trip to Groningen, north of the Netherlands and I can definitively say that the general energy of the place was completely different to that of Ireland. (You didn’t give specifics about Ireland – you used America – consider restructuring you argument) People were happier, friendlier and had a much more youthful appearance.
Finally, the most complex impact of technology on young people today is unemployment. Which may be a bizarre and unrealistic concept but sadly it’s not. (Not a complete sentence – rephrase) Like it or not, it is only a matter of time before technology actually creates human replicants (replicas?) capable of the majority of human work. (Repetitive phrasing) Artificial Intelligence and simple machinery are all contributing to this evolution. (Explain the connection – two distinct issues here) Don’t get me wrong, I love technology and the benefits it has on various societies that enables a better quality but the inevitability of generation after generation being fated for joblessness is through all faults of our own. (Very long sentence – requires punctuation)
We live in a world where ‘technology is a useful servant but dangerous master’ according to Christian Lou Lange, a Norwegian historian, teacher, and political scientist whom (who) died eighty one years ago in 1938. So one can only imagine the changes we have encountered since then. (But you’ve outlined the changes – perhaps suggest changes / the difference we can make in the world to counteract technology as master)
Aoife Flaherty is a psychologist, a journalist and human rights activist. She blogs at http://www.wordpress.org/aoifeflaherty or you can find her on Twitter at @aoifef.
Leaving Cert English is marked using PCLM
P: 21
C: 19
L: 19
M: 10
Total: 69
Leaving Cert English examiner’s feedback
All the requisite parts are in this composition – it just needs restructuring. Take each aspect in turn: Iphone / Social Media Negatives / Social Media Positives / Tech as servant rather than master / Iphone to conclude.
There are some aspects of expression that need attention : very long sentences and sentences which are incomplete. Consider your vocabulary – sometimes the most effective word is the simplest and avoid repetition.
Article needs a stance – so personal voice should shine through and we as readers should feel your anger / resentment / joy / fervour leap off the page (IMPACT)
Paragraph 2 needs the most work – you’ve put all into the opening sentences and there’s room to get three distinct paragraphs out of that.
Headline (Catchy)
Introduction (The quote used has to link your headline and the content)
Main Body: Who / What / Why OR Positives / Negatives
Use a concrete statement / example in each paragraph.
Each paragraph should have a Topic sentence to signpost the content for your reader AND your stance.
Conclusion Consider the Iphone you used in the intro – use it again in the conclusion to get sense of an arc / full circle
It’s a good idea to read some professionally written articles, e.g. in the Guardian – I suggest this because it’s mostly open access, but any broadsheet of your choice is perfect.
